REVIEW: Resident Evil: Retribution

Ah yes, Paul W.S. Anderson. A name that has become synonymous with shoddy story-telling and shiny visuals. Yet still, even though I know the film will leave me in physical pain, I continue to go, emptying my bank account of much needed cash, to lose a little more faith in cinema.


This "movie" is an especially detestable pile of shit. So bad, that they pad the opening, with... the opening sequence played in reverse and in slow motion. What follows from that point on is just an endless series of asinine decisions, and unexplainable plot contrivances, to further a story that goes absolutely no where. This is a film so bad, it makes the ending of the second "Pirates of the Caribbean" film look complete by comparison. This was not a complete film. This was not even half of a film. This was a hastily slapped together excuse to put a couple zombies up on the screen and have Milla Jovovich dress up in some freaky S & M gear, and look generally bad ass while doing stupid shit that makes no sense whatsoever.


Which brings me to the visuals. Visually, the movie is fun. By no means is it a mindless Michael Bay-esque festival of explosions, but it strives for that benchmark and falls short. The 3D they used, like with just about all 3D was a total waste. and served only to jack up the ticket cost, while delivering a headache only slightly exceeded by the headache caused by trying to figure out the story. Truthfully, the visuals are the most redeeming part of this mess. Milla looks as stunning as ever, and still manages to pull off the action scenes without missing a beat.


I know the big question for all the voices in my head is, "Is this film worse than Green Lantern?" And the answer is a resounding no. And I'm thankful for that small grace. Because honestly, I don't think I could have handled the series falling that low. As it stands, this is several more hours of my life that I will never get back... And honestly, I think it is time for another beer.


Recomendation: Save your money. Play the first Resident Evil game instead. Or, you know... Don't go to the theater and focus instead on bettering your life through the consumption of alcoholic beverages. Learn to yodel the national anthem of Zimbabwe... Do just about anything short of watching this film (or Green Lantern, which would be worse.)


Is it Theater: Not really. Sure, there is some action, but honestly, even if you managed to sneak your ass in, and see this film for free, the price you would pay in will to live would be just plain unjustifiable. So, save your soul, stay at home.


Final Thoughts: The score I am about to give this film will seem shocking considering how much I have ragged on the movie. But I honestly am saving the lower scores for things far worse than this. It is a bad movie, and in any decently run universe, ever single character in the movie would be so mentally challenged that dressing themselves in the morning would be a stretch. But in the end, the visuals saved the day... or at least sort of eased the suffering a bit.


Frank's Final Score: 5 out of 10