WHY-THE-F*** REVIEW: "Green Lantern"-Extended Edition.

First, some background. When this movie was first announced, I was fairly pumped. The Green Lantern is a character archetype that I think would make a great movie, if handled correctly. A high-flying hard sci-fi space cop movie would be great to watch, and something that I think is sorely missing.  Soon, we will hopefully get a taste of what this movie could have been when Marvel's "Guardians of the Galaxy" hits in 2015. Until then, we are just left in a pile of broken dreams.

This was the first time I have watched this movie since I saw it at midnight in the theater. The sting of the insult this movie represented was too strong, and I just couldn't bring myself to watch it. That changed, when I decided to try and keep my streak going, and could not fit "The Conjuring" into my budget.  So, with a piece of paper in hand, I sat down to take notes of the numerous insults this movie represented... 5 sheets later, I am here to write. Caution, Minor spoilers may be littered in the ranting below.

The insults in this extended cut begin almost right out of the gate. The introduction of Parallax is heavy handed, lacks any sort of an air of menace, and is frankly more amusing looking than it had any reason to be. This, is their set up for the big bad, and they make it look comical? Then when it flies away, and the full extent of Parallax's shit demon nature is revealed, my resolve to watch this was almost completely shattered.

I continued watching, through the exceedingly ponderous story of how Hal's dad died. No longer content to just let the Flashbacks tell the story, they instead have to flesh out those flashbacks, and turn it into an excruciating 8 minutes of unnecessary exposition. only to flashback to those same moments less than 20 minutes later, in case those of you with short attention spans had already forgot what you just saw.

The movie does do one thing well, and this might fall very heavily on the abilities of Ryan Reynolds. They do set him up as an amazingly well cast Hal Jordan. He exudes the proper amount of cockiness in many of his scenes. It is a shame that the script did not capitalize on this and really allow him to shine. Instead, whenever things are starting to look decent, they toss in an unnecessarily slapstick moment, and kill the mood. Also on the good casting side of things, Mark Strong. His Sinestro is quite possibly the single best thing this movie has going for it, and staying true to their ineptitude with the script and action, they give him way less screen time than he deserves. 

On the flip side, there is the bad casting. Blake Lively looks to be about 21, Peter Sarsgaard looks to be in his mid to late 40's, and the two of them are supposed to be the same relative age.  

Through the middle of the movie, there are often interspersed shots of Hal and Hector, that create a disjointed storyline, rather than presenting them as two parallel stories. It feels like a failure in editing, and a waste of a chance to make a decent cohesive story.

In a movie about the "Green Lantern" it is a shame that we have to wait a full 47 minutes (of the 2 hour run time) to see the character do anything with his powers. As much as I disliked "Man of Steel" at least Clark had some power usage before the movie was nearly half over. 

Bad CG abounds throughout. whether it is the god-awful design of the Guardians, or the shitty appearance of the Giant Pile of Space Feces known as Parallax, or even the stupid hot wheels race track that constitutes Hal's first major construct. At every turn, the characters are handled poorly, the character design is just bad, and the addition of a pointless CG suit seems like a complete waste of money.

This is a movie that should never have been a single movie. It has the makings of three separate movies, that if expanded upon, and cast properly could have given us something spectacular. The complete glossing over of the concept of "training" this space cop with the the "most powerful weapon in the universe" could have been an entire movie all by itself. Culminating with Hal and Sinestro working together on a critical mission of some variety. This could have been followed by a second film, focusing on Hal and Hector Hammond's fight. All this could have culminated in A third film where Sinestro turns villainous, and Hal and the Corp have to unite to bring him down.

FINAL THOUGHTS: This Film is a steaming pile of Parallax (for those that don't remember, he looks like a giant shit demon). As a movie, it is a failure. As a comic adaptation, it is a failure. If you are a fan of Green Lantern like I am, I am sure you watched this and wept uncontrollably. Anyone who sees this on the shelf at the store and says"Hey, this might be interesting", stop yourself... save your will to live... Watch something else. However, if you are a masochist, and can only feel alive when you are in pain... Purchase it below, but don't say I didn't warn you!