I'm going to dive into the meat of this one rather quickly, wasting your time with my little intros less than usual. I'm going to give you a list of three things I did today, I will tell you I enjoyed two of them, I will give you an opportunity to guess which two were enjoyable. Ready? Here we go...

  1. I watched Transformers 4
  2. I saw the Guardians of the Galaxy Trailer in IMAX 3D
  3. I mowed the lawn

So.... Ready to guess? Answer after the image!

Image from official Facebook page

If you guessed I enjoyed the Guardians Trailer in 3D, and mowing the lawn, congratulations! The first item was wonderful to behold (and may have sold me on the 3D version of the film) and the second was fun, because my riding lawnmower is a blast. Meanwhile Transformers was a over-loud, under-whelming mess. See? I cut to the chase really quick there, didn't I?

I have heard it said, on multiple occasions, by others as well as myself, that Michael Bay is guilty of raping our childhoods. I am here today, to say definitively that all of us have been doing Mr. Bay a grave disservice. Mr. Bay has not raped any of our childhoods. It may appear that way upon first look, but the mistake is assuming that Mr. Bay is the one at fault. No, rape implies that he is doing it to our memories is a forceful action. No, what we have here is a clear case of our childhood memories being filthy disgusting whores. Mr. Bay has just hired that whore, and proceeded to sodomize it for nearly 3 hours, in glorious 3D, while recording the whole ordeal on one of the most sophisticated cameras on the planet!

That was a little graphic, allow me to dial it back a notch. 

Image from Official Facebook page

I've hated Michael Bay for what he has done to my childhood memories, It took me a while to realize that he wasn't entirely to blame. Considering my loathing of the man and his work, one might wonder why I even bothered to go see this film, let alone in IMAX 3D.

The simple answer is that I saw a poster in the theater bragging that this was the first ever feature film shot with an IMAX 3D camera. Naturally, that piqued my interest. After so many movies were released in IMAX 3D, it was interesting to see a movie proclaiming it was actually being shot using that camera. I'll also admit to some level of morbid curiosity. I suppose on some level,  I wanted to see just how much further that the series could sink.

The story is a little muddled. Apparently, the dinosaurs were killed off by some random aliens, who turned them into metal. Marky Mark is an over-bearing, failed inventor/father. Oh yeah, and Kelsey Grammar is a CIA operative out to hunt down and kill every last Transformer. And honestly, that is all you have to really know about the movie.

The movie starts out with a time line that is so muddled and confused, that I honestly think that they might have had chimps in the editing room splicing together random bits of footage. We're in the past, then we're in the present, then we're in the past, maybe? For a movie that may have taken about a week for the events to take place, there were no less than 2 dozen sunsets. If you need any evidence of the complete inane timeline, one need only to watch the government's assault on the Yaeger home... The sun is setting, then it is full daylight, and yet, those cars have traveled a very short distance. So one must either assume that the government is opperating really slowly, or there is some strange time-space paradox centralized over the small Texas town that is the backdrop of the movie's exposition. 

Image from official Facebook page

One of the many sad things about the movie, was that the 3D in the Guardians of the Galaxy trailer was actually better looking than the 3D in the movie that was actually shot with the IMAX 3D camera. This is not to say there wasn't some decent 3D, I'm just saying that a trailer for a movie that was post-converted looked better. Hell, How To Train Your Dragon 2 managed to look better. 

I will say, that some of the new transformers have some interesting looks, although the colors were jarring, and almost painful to look at. The visual effects are probably the only good thing about the movie, even those falter from time to time, and end up looking almost cartoony, rather than appealing.

I think the worst part of the whole muddled mess, was the almost complete absence of the Dinobots. They were advertised heavily, yet only make a very brief appearance toward the very end of the movie. Honestly, the Dinobots were one of my favorite parts of the original series, and to see them added seemingly as an afterthought, feels like a complete waste of the property. 

RECOMMENDATION: Unless you are absolutely smitten with Michael Bay movies, desire to have an endless stream of explosions shoved in your face, or forgot your Ritalin, and need to have a near constant level of frenetic energy to keep from exploding, I'd recommend skipping this movie, and watching "How to Train Your Dragon 2" instead... Or you know, stay at home and use the money for something worthwhile... 

IS IT THEATER-WORTHY: Honestly, despite the action that actually does look good up on the screen nothing here wowed me to the point that I would recommend that you waste your hard-earned money on this.

FINAL THOUGHTS: In the end, this was a over-loud, product-placement-filled, commercial that is a disgrace to the memories of many a childhood. It was a travesty of a film, and has absolutely no artistic or cinematic merits. To call this an expensive piece of garbage would be an insult to garbage. It was a waste of time, and a waste of money, and no amount of vitriol that I can heap on it, will ever manage to portray just how bad this film was. 

FINAL SCORE: 1 out of 10.