EDITORIAL: "MARVEL'S SECRET BORES...I MEAN WARS"

I'm beginning to think it may be in my best interest to put a language warning at the beginning of every Editorial... I tend to get a little over-emotional in these. So, suffice to say, there is strong language ahead. Beware! If you are offended by such, it may be best to turn back now. You have been warned.

Also, as always, the views expressed in this post, are only the views of the author.

When this post goes live, I'll be chilling at Oriigns up in Columbus, Ohio... Probably looking at the latest expansion for Marvel Legendary... The humor of this gives me a little bit of a chuckle.

Today I come to you, in direct response to the latest "Big Summer Event" from the House of Ideas. It would seem, that when Marvel runs out of ideas to do, and ideas to "borrow" they just regurgitate titles. In 1984, Marvel gave us "Secret Wars"! In 1985, Marvel gave us "Secret Wars II"! In 2004, Marvel gave us "Secret War"! In 2015, Marvel said, "Fuck it, why bother changing the name at all?" and gave us, "Secret Wars"!

Naturally, all of these events are full of tie ins. Whether those tie ins are other comics, or toys, is kind of dependent on which iteration of the overly Secret wars Marvel is presenting. The tie ins became so... abundant, that they even used the Secret War storyline (note the lack of a plural there... this refers to the 2004 series) as the basis for the Marvel Ultimate Alliances 2 video game (with the addition of a Civil War tie in, because... MONEY!) 

The latest iteration kind of blindsided me, as the entire build up was pretty much contained in the pages of the Avengers main titles, which I dropped months ago, when it became quite clear that New Avengers was a cure for insomnia, Avengers decided to jump to a higher price point, toss in the fact that there were roughly 351 core Avengers books being released every month, and dropping the whole ordeal was the only logical decision.

So, here is my hastily cobbled together summary of what I assume happened in the lead up to Marvel's Flashpoint...er...I mean Secret Wars!

At some point, alternate universes began colliding, because reasons. Two universes would collide, and get destroyed. Naturally this incursions would happen on Earth, because you know, we believe that everything revolves around us anyway. The Illuminati (which disappointingly is just a bunch of "heroes" that believe that they know best, and not a secret cabal of high ranking 1 percenters) attempt to control the incursions happening here, by blowing up other earths and saving this earth, committing massive acts of genocide the likes of which are usually attributed to Superman in Man of Steel. Dr. Doom goes missing, somehow gains godlike powers, and starts saving pieces of the broken universes like some Walmart-brand Brainiac, and creates a new world, that is made up of the saved pieces of the failed worlds. The relation of one world to the next is almost negligible, they know that the other areas, and there appears to be some cross-over potential. Oh yeah, and there is a military unit of Thors policing this entire multiversal clusterfuck.

Makes perfect sense, right?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

You now have a world where there appears to be at least a dozen of every character, the Hulk exists in one part of the world, The Maestro exists elsewhere. I think I have seen at least 5 Tony Starks so far. I've seen Old Man Logan, and a Days of Future Past Logan. There are iterations and reiterations of characters, all existing concurrently, that keeping track of who is doing what where is going to be nigh impossible. When you consider that it appears 95% of Marvel's releases for the foreseeable future will be direct tie-ins to this event, this reeks of a cash grab of the highest variety, matched only by the current slate of DC's Convergence related titles. There appears to be a few titles that are continuing through this mess, making continuity that was already muddled beyond all hope of salvation an even worse mess.

Why is this a bad thing you might ask?

Simply put, this makes it impossible for the casual reader who might only want to pick up Spider-man related comics, from really being able to follow just about anything. This past week for example, there was an Amazing Spider-man (original continuity) as well as an Amazing Spider-Man (Secret Wars) continuity released. The two are so completely unrelated, that to attempt to read them back to back, will only result in a horrible splitting headache. This is not reader-friendly in even the loosest sense of the word. The best part? Even if you are familiar with the universes that formed the building blocks of this new Battleworld, reading these new versions will feel like revisiting an old friend who has had extensive plastic surgery, and then been brainwashed by some unfamiliar cult.

The loathing I have for this event so far is the rival of the loathing I had for DC around the time they started their Villain's month. Since that day, I have not bought a single DC title. If this event continues like this, I can foresee seeking my comics fix from the independents exclusively.

Suffice to say, this is a complete waste. I'd recommend saving your money.

I do feel the need to place a small addendum here at the bottom. Partially because I want to say something positive, and partially because I have no place else to put these images.

The variant covers amuse me. Skottie Young's work, is amazing as always, and this past week's Gwen Stacey variants have also been rather interesting. Below, are a few of my favorite covers so far from this awful venture into ruined continuity.

Look for the rebooted Marvel Universe to premiere sometime in October. So you can watch as they piss away goodwill they had managed to build up, on this universal reset button that actually makes me miss the inanity of DC's linewide reboot.