I'm going to warn you going into this, there will be foul language , and by the end of this post... I will be drunk. So, join me, grab a tasty adult beverage, and drown your sorrows with me. Oh yeah, and while I hate to use superlatives to an extreme...yeah, there will be superlatives.
When I made my list of most anticipated films I added this towards the end of the list's formulation. At the time I saw it as having at least some mild potential. I had seen the movie "Chronicle" directed by Josh Trank, and had some hope that the man might be able to take this much maligned movie franchise and turn it into something worth seeing. Then I saw the trailer, and my heart sank like a lead balloon. I let my hopes sink to the point where I expected something of "Green Lantern" caliber. Something that had rich source material to draw from, and still managed to shit out some meaningless drivel that is a slap to the face of the fans, and an outright crime against the human race.
But, first... a brief tangent.
Since Marvel Studios began assembling their Avengers, out of what rights were still available to them, other studios have tried to copy their success. Warner Brothers tried to create a unified DC Cinematic Universe with that cinematic abortion known as Green Lantern. Sony tried to create a Spider universe based solely around The Amazing Spider-man. 20th Century Fox had two franchises in Fantastic Four and X-men. The latter managed to do decent despite 2 missteps (Origins, and Last Stand), while the former managed to be a complete waste of time in two previous iterations.
In the most recent iteration of the Fantastic Four, Fox may finally have found something that is able to kill the Marvel Cinematic Universe... In so far as everything associated with the Marvel name from this point on will be sullied by the memory of this fucking pile of worthless shit.
The movie does pretty much nothing for the entire run time. Nothing happens, pseudo-science talk that sounds like contrived nonsense, nothing happens, more contrived nonsense, more nothing, more nothing, talk talk talk, nothing, suddenly superpowers, short fight, movie is over.
During all of that nonsense you are introduced to the characters, which are in no way likeable. Reed is an arrogant prick, Ben is an obsequious yes man, Johnny is a brash adrenaline junky that also happens to be brilliant, and Susan is a self-absorbed girl who apparently recognizes patterns. All of them are brought together by Franklin Storm, a manipulative guy, who strong arms everyone he meets into working on a project that has no real practical application, and by his daughter's own admission about halfway through the flick, could have destroyed the planet.
The Fantastic Four concept is not that hard. 4 people, go into space, get bombarded with radiation, and gain super powers. Seriously, if Marvel can make Guardians of the Galaxy work, why in the holy fuck can't Fox get the Fantastic Four correct? In three attempts, they have only managed to make progressively worse iterations of what should be one of the most iconic hero stories of all time. They managed to destroy every aspect of this mythos they touch with an apparent zeal that is almost admirable.
Then toss in the corny as fuck dialog. By the end of the movie, they had created some internal strife in the team, but that all goes out the window and magically never resurfaces because... reasons. I mean seriously.. There is absolutely no resolution to the conflict, suddenly everyone is just buddy-buddy, and they work together for no real reason, and suddenly, in the space of a few seconds, a year long grudge is just completely forgotten, and the situation is... I kid you not... described as "Fantastic".
The special effects used for The Human Torch, The Thing, and Victor von Dumb, rather than seeming to be an organic part of the world, are at times so jarringly fake, that it takes you out of the moment. Which, honestly is a good thing. Being in the moment only helps to add to the soul-crushing depression that this "movie" inspires. While the character designs for The Thing and The Human Torch are mostly decent, (seriously, would it have killed them to give The Thing pants?), it is the character design for Doom that really takes the cake. This should not be a difficult concept. Man+Burns+Metal Mask... That's all you need to make Doom. And this isn't even the comic book nerd in me talking. This is the film-loving side. The character design for Doom, may be the worst design for a movie villain I have seen in a long time. On that side, it is a good thing that the powered version of Doom is only on screen for maybe 15 minutes. Seriously... look at this shit.
That looks disturbingly like the scene at the end of Superman 3 where the lady was sucked into the computer and turned into some metal monster. They could be related, I'm not even kidding.
At the end of the day... This movie actually makes me miss the original two films... While they may be shitty, and barely watchable, they at least had some semblance of an idea of what the source material was. This movie basically says "Fuck you" to the original source material and instead shovels out a ton of dreck that doesn't even seem to give two shits about the movies own established mythology.
RECOMMENDATION: If you are seeking an awful movie that will make you give up on life... watch this movie. If you are actually looking for a good movie, that you will actually enjoy, Ant-man should still be in theaters.
IS IT THEATER-WORTHY: Fuck no. This movie doesn't deserve your time or money. This movie doesn't need to be seen on the big screen, or the small... This movie is an abomination. This movie makes me miss Green Lantern's theatrical run... This is quite possibly the worst thing I have seen in years.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Fuck this movie. Fuck the people who financed it. I wasted 49 cents of my money to see this, and I feel absolutely cheated. The only awards this cinematic abortion will ever have any hope of winning is every Razzie award ever... When all is said and done, this movie is about the cinematic equivalent of a pit bull gnawing on your balls.
FINAL SCORE: 0 out of 10