EDITORIAL: "SPOILERS"

This post comes from a place of anger. Yeah, I am on the path to the dark side... I know. More importantly, if you continue reading this you are on the path to me swearing! Also contained below are spoilers for movies released prior to 2000. If you have not seen "The Sixth Sense", "The Usual Suspects", "Citizen Kane", or "The Empire Strikes Back" and are not familiar with the typical spoilers for those 4 movies, you might want to skip past this post. Otherwise, sit back as I discuss the evil that is... THE SPOILER!

We live in a world, that is pretty much connected to the internet 24/7. News circulates at blinding speeds, often in complete disregard for fact-checking, or journalistic integrity. We live in a more-connected society, then ever before, and knowledge is there for the taking.

But... I'm not here to talk about news.

It is also a world where information about new release movies is released to the public, often months before the movie is released, and again, often without taking a chance to fact check or worry about what people may think. These, are the omnipresent "spoilers" that oftentimes ruin movies for those in society that do not watch movies for their entertainment value, but instead want every single plot point to be a complete mystery.

This ends up begging the question.... What constitutes an ACTUAL spoiler, and when are you just being a whiny bitch?

We also live in a world where prequels are a thing. You know what the problem with a prequel is? You know how it is going to (roughly) end. In Episode 3, you KNEW going in, that Anakin would survive, but be horribly mangled. This was a given, because he showed up in Episodes 4, 5, and 6. In this case, if one were to say, "Anakin survives Episode 3" that would not constitute a spoiler, as it has already been revealed in the long ago year of 1980 (I'd say 1977... but he didn't reveal his relation to Luke until Empire, so... yeah). These are things that are implied by previously existing knowledge. There are things one just KNOWS. Knowledge that one should have going into a film is not a spoiler. If you think otherwise, you're wrong.

Things one should (conceivably) know going into a film includes (but not limited to)

  • Primary cast of characters
  • Basic concept of the storyline
  • Actors and actresses in the film

Why should one know these things? Because those tend to be primary motivators for a person going to see a movie in the first place. In general, one does not plan to go to a movie called "Collateral Beauty" because one thinks, "Hey... That name is cool as shit! I wanna see that." One typically will choose to see it because, the like Will Smith, or Edward Norton, or even Helen Mirren. They might say, "Oh... Helen Mirren playing DEATH? That's pretty awesome!" One might even say, "Will Smith in another Oscar Bait film? Sign me up!"

Similarly, going into Rogue One, you should know certain things. Grand Moff Tarkin has been in charge of the Death Star since 1977. The whole plot of the movie involves stealing the plans for the Death Star, to lead DIRECTLY into Episode 4. Felicity Jones, is fucking awesome. 

These are things you know, if you have either watched a Star Wars film, or have seen Felicity Jones. Mentioning these things are not spoilers. They are givens. 

So what DOES constitute a spoiler? Giving away plot twists, or vital details about the fate of characters. Such as (and there ARE spoilers for some movies released prior to 2000, so... be prepared)

  • Bruce Willis' character is dead during Sixth Sense!
  • Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspects
  • Darth Vader is Luke's father in Star Wars 
  • Rosebud was a fucking sled in Citizen Kane

There is a vast difference between saying "Tarkin's CG was awful in Rogue One" and saying "Bruce Willis is dead in The Sixth Sense." The former reveals a character that should be assumed to be present in the film. The other reveals a crucial plot point that effectively makes the movie less watchable. 

Are we seeing the difference here?

I do my very best, in every aspect of talking about movies to avoid spoilers. If a spoiler is inevitable, I will warn people. The take away from this is... NOTHING I post publicly will be a spoiler, until such time as my statute of limitations has passed. I'm not here to spoil TV shows, or movies, or books (unless commenting on a spoiler.) If I am wanting to talk to people about something like... a certain character's awesome role in "Inhumans vs X-Men" I will first ask you, if you have read it. If you haven't I will then ask if you ever plan on reading it. THEN I will ask if you care about spoilers. This is simply courtesy.

However. If I post, and this is a direct quote from my Facebook wall:

Gah! Tarkin... worst...CGI character.... EVER!
He was painful to look at...

This is not a spoiler. I have revealed NO vital information about the movie that isn't readily apparent. If you get all up in arms with me about posting a FUCKING CHARACTER NAME, on my wall... Then the problem is yours. There is no spoiler. Revealing how characters die.... that's a spoiler. Revealing a character exists that one should KNOW exists... that isn't.

Ya got that?

Also, in case you have read this far. Rogue One was actually a decent movie. The CG used to recreate Tarkin, is VERY jarring, and one of the worst parts of the entire film. Hence the reason I mentioned it specifically on my wall. All in all, I would give the movie perhaps a 7 out of 10. And a lot of that is due to my hatred of prequels.